Losing Lola

What I learnt from the hardest experience of my life. If this helps one dog parent and teaches one vet, this ordeal will finally make sense and my heart will feel a little bit lighter…

I always thought it was silly to use the sentence “I lost my dog” when referring to death as losing a dog seemed appropriate for when they run away. But now I understand…. When your dog dies, you don’t believe it, you just don’t know where they’ve gone and you keep hoping they’ll come back. They’re lost in your mind…

Lost /lɒst/ verb

unable to find one’s way

I killed Lola on the 11th of February. I’m writing this letter in the hope that her passing will help other dog parents learn from my experience as I was completely in denial. Everyone says hindsight is a wonderful thing but the reality is, when you have a pet, you have the chance of having foresight and you must take it. 

I also hope a vet will read this and understand the gaps in their profession. I’m a huge vet ambassador. Their work is one of the hardest in the world, just like a doctor’s, yet it’s not as rewarded or valued. And maybe that’s why I had the experience I had.

About Lola.

Lola is, and will always be, my beloved thirteen-and-a-half year old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. She had a grade 4 heart murmur (was only on a common medication called Vetmedin, her heart had been stable for years), she was a patient at the Royal Veterinary Clinic and monitored twice a year. She also suffered from two kinds of seizure-like episodes. One linked to Syringohydromyelia (common in Cavaliers) which occurred monthly was being treated with phenobarbital which had helped. The other which was more violent but less frequent remained unidentified. At her age, and with her heart murmur, the tests we could have tried to do to find out what it was were too risky. Lola was a super happy pup aside from those episodes. She had the hunger of a lion and the attitude of a Queen.

The days before.

On a Wednesday night Lola had two of the “unidentified” seizures. For the next few days, she was tired, but I put it down to the seizures. On Saturday morning, after a restless night where she wouldn’t settle and started panting, I took her to the vet. He immediately saw it was her heart and said she looked very poorly, he suspected fluid might have been entering her lungs which, if left untreated, could lead to cardiac arrest. He gave me two options 1. Give her meds which would help her heart, as she was only on Vetmedin the stronger diuretic would help relieve the heart and get rid of any excess fluid or 2. Send her for an ultrasound at A&E to confirm whether there was fluid. The vet clinic would be closing so we needed to go elsewhere for the tests.  

He looked very worried. I started panicking and decided to go to A&E.

We walked into the clinic and were met by a vet. She looked at Lola and said that her breathing was fast but given she was only on the standard meds they would give her the advanced ones, a diuretic, that would get her heart back to normal and she’d be ok. She said that given her age and current state, with the new meds she’d have at least 6 months more to live, maybe longer as Cavaliers are such a chilled breed. She said they’d probably keep her overnight but I’d hear from them later.

I was sad but relieved. Sad that her end of life was soon approaching but so glad I had some time to spend with her. I planned to take her to the beach in the following months, her favourite place.

Later that night I called the Clinic to ask about Lola. The news wasn’t good, she hadn’t taken to the medication. They had put her on oxygen and the breathing seemed to slow down, but the fact she needed oxygen was not a good sign. 

They told me to keep my phone on overnight in case something happened. I was confused and worried. I didn’t understand how things had changed so quickly.

That day.

When I spoke to the vet in the morning she told me it was bad news. Lola’s health had deteriorated and they weren’t able to get rid of the fluid as quickly as they’d hoped. She told me to be prepared to make a final decision when I got there. From this point I lost any sense of understanding of what was going on, I was in shock. 

I had asked a friend to drive me to pick her up but now it seemed the drive would have a different outcome. My friend came over, I can’t tell you what I was thinking at that time, I felt like a robot. Another friend came over and we went to the Clinic. 

Once at the clinic, the same vet explained that Lola’s lungs were filling up with fluid and they were increasing the diuretic but it wasn’t working fast enough. If I took her home I’d have to give her the meds more and more often which ultimately would impact the other organs. She said Lola was exhausted from trying to breathe and without oxygen it would just get worse. She told me the kind thing to do would be to put her to sleep.

I struggle to remember what was going through my head. All I kept thinking was that the vet had told me Lola was going to walk out of there with me that morning, I had brought her harness with me as I thought I’d be taking her home!

The vet apologised for what she’d said the day before. I can’t say that made me feel any better. They brought Lola in, she wagged her tail and took a treat from me. I could tell she wasn’t well but she was still alive, her heart was beating and she could see me. She was alive.

I was left alone with her for a while. I was crying so much. I was in complete shock and couldn’t think straight.

When the vet and my friends came back they all said that was the thing to do, put her out of her misery. That I should think of Lola. I felt pressured. I felt mean and selfish for wanting to keep her with me.

The vet said that taking her home might cause her distress and it might make her deteriorate quicker.

Might might might.

The vet was talking quickly, making a couple of light-hearted remarks too, My friends were saying it was the right thing to do, they were very emotional.

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think. I didn’t ask anything, I didn’t fight. I just agreed. And Lola was gone…

And now I can’t go back. I can’t change things but you can do better.

Your dog will die. Plan where you want this to happen and who you want there with you.

I thought Lola would live forever. And I hate myself every day for being so stupid.

I didn’t do what I thought was right at that moment because I wasn’t thinking. I am angry at the vet because they should have known that. You dont ask someone who is in complete shack to kill their dog, it’s just doesn’t make sense. And I was the only one who should have made that decision. Yes, they had told me to come prepared but until you see your dog, you can’t believe this is really happening.

I wish the vet had given me options. Even if I could’ve just carried her outside so our last moments together weren’t in that cold and clinical hospital room. She still had a little time and I wasted it. I wish I had someone there who was thinking about my feelings too and understood what I was dealing with. Everyone says we were thinking what was best for Lola but I wasn’t. I had no idea what was going on. I know it was important for me to be with her, that’s what she needed. but it could just have been less rushed and confusing. I had the time to give us, me and her, a different ending but I didn’t. She’s now at peace but I’m not.

I’m so sorry Lola, I let you down.

My soulmate, my girl. I will love you forever x